LOS ANGELES UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT

                                             

March 17, 2011

Dear Parent,

As School Board President of the Los Angeles Unified School District, it is my pleasure to welcome your child to LAUSD.  Our District continues to face a dire financial situation and, due to drastic budget cuts, we will be experiencing some exciting changes. 

As you are no doubt aware, a reduction of staff means class sizes will increase dramatically.  Unfortunately, the Board’s proposal that teachers construct their own, larger classrooms using tin cans and duct tape was rejected by the Teacher’s Union (L)  so we have implemented the following strategy to avoid over crowding.

On even numbered days, your child will be given a seat inside the classroom.  On odd numbered days, your child will have the opportunity to participate in our newly minted “Learnin’s Fun in the Sun!” program (Or “Readin’ in the Rain!” depending on the weather) and will enjoy his lessons via a loud speaker blasting on to the playground. 

While the Board agrees that “There is no such thing as a stupid question,” we find that there is such a thing as too many questions.  As a result, your child will be allotted 5 questions per academic year.  He may address these questions to his teacher via text message.  Students who either do not have cell phones, or are unable to write, will be issued 5 safety flares with which to capture his teacher's attention.  Parents may wish to equip these students with a pocket fire extinguisher, but it is not mandatory.

In accordance with Education Code 666, should your school’s total number of students exceed fire safety laws, children with low seniority will receive Reduction In Force (RIF) notices and will need to pursue their educational goals elsewhere.

Due to massive layoffs, the following substitutions will be made in lieu of actual personnel.  Thanks to a generous donation from Texas Instruments, the position of Reading Specialist will be filled by a reconditioned 1978 Speak ‘N Spell electronic toy. 

Tireless philanthropist Eli Broad has ensured that Bi-Lingual education will continue by graciously donating 500 Dora the Explorer Kitchen Play sets, complete with plastic lemons and English/Spanish flashcards ("Vercuras!" " Frutas!")   We thank Mr. Broad and hope he enjoys his healthy tax deduction as much as we enjoy la cocinas!

In order to compensate for the absence of school nurses and counselors, your child will be provided with the direct telephone numbers of our nation’s most preeminent physicians -  Drs. Drew, Phil, and Pepper.  Additionally, school libraries will be staffed by a Red Box vending machine, offering $1.99 book and DVD rentals.

Since custodial positions have been eliminated, classroom teachers (who are lucky to  still have jobs) will be required to clean the facility on Saturdays.  Parents of children with asthma or severe allergies may opt to cover their child from head to toe in a large, Hefty garbage bag (we recommend the XL Cinch SAK) which not only serves as a bacterial shield but doubles as an instant costume come Halloween!

Parents are also encouraged to maintain and open mind regarding the physical condition of your school.  After all, what may look like a rat infested, filthy classroom could actually be a hands-on, interactive biology experiment!

In order to keep our highly paid consultants in the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed, we have cut all Arts Education.  But your child will not be deprived as Arts Ed will be embedded in other daily activities. 

Stomping on the cockroaches in the cafeteria?  Dance!  Shading circles on an answer sheet?  Visual Art!  Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?  Theater!  That  rhythmic, grinding beat of the pencil sharpener?  Sounds like music to me! 

Sadly, physical education and sports programs have been lost, along with all equipment, however, we take your child’s health seriously.  During recess (unsupervised) your child will have access to active games like “Steal the Rock!”   They may also sign up for the District Wide competition of  “Smear the Person with Alternate Sexual Preference,” with the two finalists facing off in a Thunder Dome-esque fight to the death.

In accordance with the Williams act, every child will be provided with the necessary text books, however your child will need to provide all other supplies,  including but not limited to pencils, paper, crayons, paste, scissors, rulers, erasers, Bunsen burners, soldering irons, top soil, flushable toilets, and desks.

Finally, in 2012, the District will formally change its name to LAUMcD thanks to a deal with the McDonald’s corporation!!  Partially hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup - yummo!!!  Follow us on Twitter!!!!!!!!!  

On behalf of the District, I welcome you to our happy family as we look forward to a successful academic year.*

Sincerely,

Sari U. R. Screwed

Sari U. R. Screwed

*  Please note the 2011 - 2012 Academic Year will begin September 17, 2011 and end November 2, 2011 (with every other Friday and the entire month of October closed for unpaid furlough days.)