BTSA - the beast that won't die

Despite massive lay offs and budget woes, it appears the BTSA Beast is alive and kicking.  It also appears to be the same waste of time and money now as it was when I suffered through.  With all this Value Added Teacher nonsense (Thanks, LA Times, for declaring a War against Teachers.  Is this really the most effective way to reform our system? Really?!), you'd think we would be able to rate BTSA and similar worthless PDs with the same ruthless, bottom line attitude foisted upon us by the Superintendent and his ilk. 

A friend recently suggested I write a satirical play about LAUSD, but how can one spoof what is already a ridiculous parody?

LOS ANGELES UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT

                                             

March 17, 2011

Dear Parent,

As School Board President of the Los Angeles Unified School District, it is my pleasure to welcome your child to LAUSD.  Our District continues to face a dire financial situation and, due to drastic budget cuts, we will be experiencing some exciting changes. 

As you are no doubt aware, a reduction of staff means class sizes will increase dramatically.  Unfortunately, the Board’s proposal that teachers construct their own, larger classrooms using tin cans and duct tape was rejected by the Teacher’s Union (L)  so we have implemented the following strategy to avoid over crowding.

On even numbered days, your child will be given a seat inside the classroom.  On odd numbered days, your child will have the opportunity to participate in our newly minted “Learnin’s Fun in the Sun!” program (Or “Readin’ in the Rain!” depending on the weather) and will enjoy his lessons via a loud speaker blasting on to the playground. 

While the Board agrees that “There is no such thing as a stupid question,” we find that there is such a thing as too many questions.  As a result, your child will be allotted 5 questions per academic year.  He may address these questions to his teacher via text message.  Students who either do not have cell phones, or are unable to write, will be issued 5 safety flares with which to capture his teacher's attention.  Parents may wish to equip these students with a pocket fire extinguisher, but it is not mandatory.

In accordance with Education Code 666, should your school’s total number of students exceed fire safety laws, children with low seniority will receive Reduction In Force (RIF) notices and will need to pursue their educational goals elsewhere.

Due to massive layoffs, the following substitutions will be made in lieu of actual personnel.  Thanks to a generous donation from Texas Instruments, the position of Reading Specialist will be filled by a reconditioned 1978 Speak ‘N Spell electronic toy. 

Tireless philanthropist Eli Broad has ensured that Bi-Lingual education will continue by graciously donating 500 Dora the Explorer Kitchen Play sets, complete with plastic lemons and English/Spanish flashcards ("Vercuras!" " Frutas!")   We thank Mr. Broad and hope he enjoys his healthy tax deduction as much as we enjoy la cocinas!

In order to compensate for the absence of school nurses and counselors, your child will be provided with the direct telephone numbers of our nation’s most preeminent physicians -  Drs. Drew, Phil, and Pepper.  Additionally, school libraries will be staffed by a Red Box vending machine, offering $1.99 book and DVD rentals.

Since custodial positions have been eliminated, classroom teachers (who are lucky to  still have jobs) will be required to clean the facility on Saturdays.  Parents of children with asthma or severe allergies may opt to cover their child from head to toe in a large, Hefty garbage bag (we recommend the XL Cinch SAK) which not only serves as a bacterial shield but doubles as an instant costume come Halloween!

Parents are also encouraged to maintain and open mind regarding the physical condition of your school.  After all, what may look like a rat infested, filthy classroom could actually be a hands-on, interactive biology experiment!

In order to keep our highly paid consultants in the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed, we have cut all Arts Education.  But your child will not be deprived as Arts Ed will be embedded in other daily activities. 

Stomping on the cockroaches in the cafeteria?  Dance!  Shading circles on an answer sheet?  Visual Art!  Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?  Theater!  That  rhythmic, grinding beat of the pencil sharpener?  Sounds like music to me! 

Sadly, physical education and sports programs have been lost, along with all equipment, however, we take your child’s health seriously.  During recess (unsupervised) your child will have access to active games like “Steal the Rock!”   They may also sign up for the District Wide competition of  “Smear the Person with Alternate Sexual Preference,” with the two finalists facing off in a Thunder Dome-esque fight to the death.

In accordance with the Williams act, every child will be provided with the necessary text books, however your child will need to provide all other supplies,  including but not limited to pencils, paper, crayons, paste, scissors, rulers, erasers, Bunsen burners, soldering irons, top soil, flushable toilets, and desks.

Finally, in 2012, the District will formally change its name to LAUMcD thanks to a deal with the McDonald’s corporation!!  Partially hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup - yummo!!!  Follow us on Twitter!!!!!!!!!  

On behalf of the District, I welcome you to our happy family as we look forward to a successful academic year.*

Sincerely,

Sari U. R. Screwed

Sari U. R. Screwed

*  Please note the 2011 - 2012 Academic Year will begin September 17, 2011 and end November 2, 2011 (with every other Friday and the entire month of October closed for unpaid furlough days.)



BTSA EMANCIPATION!


Free at last! Free at last! God all mighty - free at last!!

Just came from my "portfolio review" and my Get Out of BTSA Jail card is on the way to Sacramento. While not a religious person typically, I instantly got down on my knees and, sobbing my thanks to the Higher Power of your choice, created quite a stir in the little bomb shelter type bungalow that served as District 3's Portfolio Review site. I then grabbed a bunch of office supplies and hightailed it home where I proceeded to rip, tear, and burn anything BTSA related that I don't have to keep. It was cathartic. I recommend it highly.

I also recommend that you contact the Powers That Be to blow the cover off this BTSA BS. Below, I've cc:d a post from another BTSA prisoner. I've been emailing this lady my rants - perhaps you can do so as well.

Lastly, I recommend selling all the BTSA books you've been saddled with (and probably, like me, didn't have time to read) on E-bay. You won't make a fortune, but it's as close as you'll get to squeezing anything beneficial from the evil labryinth that is BTSA.



FYI: Here is the mastermind behind BTSA. Her name is Kerry Mazzoni. She is now a lobbyist in Sacramento and used to be a State Assembly Member. She authored the bill SB2042 (along with others laws leading to BTSA) which is stamped on your credential. She has responded with nasty letters to teachers who have written her expressing their frustration. Mazzoni even went as far to say to a teacher who wrote her expressing his frustration about SB2042 that, "I have concerns that you may not be cut out for the profession." She claims short stints as an adult school and pre-k teacher as her experience. She has no credential, never went through BTSA, and claims to be an expert on education.

Her email is kmazzoni@teamgsi.net and her work phone # is (916) 552-2629. I encourage those of you who are sick and tired of the BTSA hoops to call or email her letting her know how you feel.

BTSA SUCKS...Standard 17



Day One of Standard 17 (Diversity!) was the usual redundancy that epitomizes the BTSA program. I learned nothing that I have not already been exposed to (and mastered) in my Credentialing program, in several local BTSA seminars, in numerous staff developments, as well as in my own life experience and self generated study. I tire of writing one negative reflection after another, yet I am forced to do nothing else as I am forced to attend one worthless seminar after another. The entire BTSA program is a sham – a dismal waste of time and resources that, had I known I would be subjected to, I would have reconsidered my re-entry into the world of public education and “waited out” this administration as I am optimistic this program will eventually implode under the weight of its own incompetence, disorganization, and ultimate futility.

That said, Day Two of Standard 17 training was less painful than the usual BTSA fare, thanks to an inspiring and worthwhile lecture provided by the commanding and effusive Stephen Peters. While Peters may not have said anything I haven’t heard before, his beliefs were validating as they mirror my own and his message was one of empowerment and inspiration.

It was refreshing to listen to people who actually know of what they speak and to, for once, not be bored to tears by another lame power point presentation coupled with a “busy work” packet of useless, insulting activities that teem with silly buzz-words and ridiculous educational jargon. I am convinced that there is a silo somewhere in the fields of Iowa where Never Have Seen the Light of Day “educators” are paid per word to write these tree-killing tomes that take a simple concept – one that could be presented in a mere sentence or two - and manage to “explain it” in 300 pages, complete with phrases such as “talk moves” and “sharing out” that simply do not exist in the English Language. And we wonder why are ELLs aren't progressing?

Is the problem that only idiots are entering the field of education? Perhaps this is true, and therefore the BTSA program may be of use, but the educators I know - both newbies and veterans - are a savvy, intelligent bunch and (rightfully so) resent the demeaning “Professional Development” requirement as much as I. It would seem that the old adage “Those that can’t do, teach” really should read “Those that can’t do… run Prof. Dev. seminars and write pedagogical text books.”

I am not perfect and I continually seek out honest, practical advice but I find that the bulk of the supposed “support” I am receiving resembles the Emperor’s New Clothes - the blind leading the blind, convincing each other they are offering something of substance while the King stands before us, in actuality, naked.

"BTSA" - Bitter Teacher Says "ABOLISH!"


After the most needless, worthless, time consuming four session ELD class, I reluctantly attended the end of the year Colloquium; another tedious, painful affair. Another fatty, tepid meal. PLEASE ! KEEP THE FOOD AND LET US LEAVE EARLY! Or, let us bring a snack and GIVE US THE MONEY INSTEAD! (Anyone more enterprising than I may want to investigate to reveal how much of the proposed $65 million dollar BTSA budget goes towards these food costs – I’m sure it is staggering). Another less than inspiring “motivating” speaker - this one saying “Well, we have to do BTSA, so suck it up.” Wow, that pumped me up! The second speaker said the great thing about BTSA is that he leaves “each seminar having learned at least one thing.” Now, most seminars are seven hours long – cut out lunch – and that is six hours of potential learning. Do we expect our students, who receive more like 4.5 hours of actual instruction each day, to come away with learning just one thing per day? This is considered a success? Judging from the amount of information our students need to learn (according to the all-mighty State Standards), this “a fact a day” goal is sorely lacking. Why are we teachers expected to raise the bar so high when our supposed Mentor Organization’s bar is so egregiously low? Also, I have received more seminars and books about Differentiation than is humane. I have been told again and again to engage gifted students, that they need to be challenged and, without challenges, will lose interest. So, if the seminars continue to be so devoid of content, then why can we NOT grade papers? I lay bets I can grade papers, compose an opera, file my nails, and STILL grasp the content of these monotonous affairs. Why am I, a new teacher with too damn much work to do already, made to cut out paper tear drops and write little cute notes on them at 9:00 AM on a Saturday morning? For this is what we did at the laughable colloquium. (And, when done - as it did not take me 15 minutes to write a four line thank you, despite the fact that this much time was allotted -I was reprimanded for doing other paperwork while waiting.) It seems I am to sit slack jawed, staring into space while those apparently not quite familiar with the concept of a ballpoint pen finish up. Then we were made to watch clips of "Mr. Holland's Opus", write another Mother F*$#ing "Reflection" (I'm so sick of Reflections, I am looking into becoming a vampire) and given yet another book that I don't have time to read. This is the model classroom?

The whistle has not been blown.


Well, our CPM audit has come and gone. The school passed with flying colors. The same school that borrowed PE equipment for the day so it would look like we actually had a PE program and encouraged teachers to go back in their plan books and rewrite plans to include PE and Second Step lessons (which should be taught but who has the time?) The auditors allowed the school to hand pick the teachers they were to interview (needless to say, I was not chosen) and interviewed the teachers in a group - so true opinions about the school and the incompetent administration were not forthcoming. It appears that the auditors do not really want the truth - otherwise they'd have conducted "spot checks" and allowed for anonymous comments. Oh well. I was hoping the audit would expose the "emperor's New Clothes" aspect of the administration but it was not to be.

Boken Glass Everywhere



After another hellish day in the hood, my car (that was parked in the supposedly secure teacher's parking lot) was vandalized. Nothing too awful - the passenger mirror smashed off. A metal rod was on the pavement near my modest little Honda so I took it as evidence...think the School Police will check for prints? (Of course, given that the perp was probably underage, there won't be a file. Maybe I could run a sting operation, lifting prints from juice boxes.) I've heard rumors that there is a Witness to this crime but I was unable to speak with the Principal as she was tied up with LAPD (again) due to two parents getting in a fist fight on school grounds.

In the classroom, I am trying to prep the kids for a science test dealing with minerals and I finally got a science kit - but after prying the damn thing open, I discover it only has materials for a land erosion study - not a lustrous geode in sight. Am thinking of handing out the broken shards of glass from my deceased mirror and passing them off as diamonds.

In the ongoing heartache that is BTSA, I attended a Diversity Workshop where much time was spent on making sure children (of ALL races)understand the basic concepts before moving on to the next idea and how grade inflation is ultimately counter productive. So true, but in the face of Nazi-like OCR pacing plans and overt pressure from administration to give 3s on report cards, is this common sense approach to teaching no longer possible?